Thursday, March 27, 2008

The RULES for livng in Rural PA!

So you want to live in Pennsylvania? Well here are some NATURAL rules you gotta follow:

THE RULES OF RURAL PENNSYLVANIA ARE AS FOLLOWS:

LISTEN UP CITY SLICKERS!!!! Obey these friendly rules of Rural PA and we'll live in peace here! If you don't like the rules, go back to the city where ya from.

1. PULL YOUR DROOPY PANTS UP. YOU LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT.

2. TURN YOUR CAP RIGHT, YOUR HEAD ISN'T CROOKED. (except if it's raining and yer a deaf fella trying to protect his precious hearing aid which is permissible.)

3. LET'S GET THIS STRAIGHT; IT'S CALLED A 'DIRT ROAD.' NO MATTER HOW SLOW YOU DRIVE, YOU'RE GOING TO GET DUST ON YOUR LEXUS. DRIVE IT OR GET OUT OF THE WAY.

4. THEY ARE CATTLE. THEY'RE LIVE STEAKS. THAT'S WHY THEY SMELL FUNNY TO YOU, GET OVER IT. DON'T LIKE IT? I-80 GOES EAST AND WEST, I-81 GOES NORTH AND SOUTH. PICK ONE.

5. SO YOU HAVE A $60,000 CAR. WE'RE IMPRESSED. WE HAVE $150,000 CORN PICKERS AND HAY BALER MACHINES THAT ARE DRIVEN ONLY 3 WEEKS A YEAR.

6. SO EVERY PERSON IN RURAL PENNSYLVANIA WAVES. WE THINK OF IT AS BEING FRIENDLY. TRY TO UNDERSTAND THE CONCEPT.

7. IF THAT CELL PHONE RINGS WHILE AN 8-POINT BUCK AND 3 DOES ARE COMING IN, WE WILL SHOOT IT OUT OF YOUR HAND. YOU BETTER HOPE YOU DON'T HAVE IT UP TO YOUR EAR AT THE TIME. (That is if yer visiting during the hunting time, turn the cell phone to silent mode. We'll appreciate it better if it's off!)

8. YEAH, WE EAT TATERS & GRAVY, BEANS & CORNBREAD. WE FRY OUR FISH AFTER 'CATCH IN' 'EM'. YOU REALLY WANT SUSHI & CAVIAR? IT'S AVAILABLE AT THE CORNER BAIT SHOP.

9. THE 'OPENER' REFERS TO THE FIRST DAY OF DEER SEASON. IT'S A RELIGIOUS HOLIDAY HELD ON THE FIRST MONDAY AFTER THANKSGIVING. RESPECT IT! WE CLOSE ALMOST EVERYTHING! VENISON MEAT IS OUR "HOLY GRAIL", NEXT TO BRAGGING RIGHTS OF GETTING THE BIGGEST DEER!!

10. WE OPEN DOORS FOR WOMEN. THAT IS APPLIED TO ALL WOMEN, REGARDLESS OF AGE. IT"S CALLED RESPECT FOR OTHERS!

11. NO, THERE'S NO 'VEGETARIAN SPECIAL' ON THE MENU. ORDER STEAK. OR YOU CAN ORDER THE CHEF'S SALAD AND PICK OFF THE 2 POUNDS OF HAM & TURKEY AT THE SALAD BAR.

12. WHEN WE FILL OUT A TABLE, THERE ARE THREE MAIN DISHES: MEATS (INCLUDES FISH), VEGETABLES, AND BREADS. WE USE FOUR SPICES: SALT, PEPPER, HOT SAUCE AND KETCHUP. OH, YEAH...WE DON'T CARE WHAT YOU FOLKS IN JERSEY CALL THAT STUFF YOU EAT...IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!!!!

13. YOU BRING 'COKE' INTO MY HOUSE, IT BETTER BE BROWN, WET AND SERVED OVER ICE. OTHER WISE, WE CALL JOHN LAW PRETTY FAST AND COLLECT A REWARD ON YOUR PRETTY BUTT AND YOU'LL BE IN JAIL FOR A WHILE!

14. YOU BRING 'MARY JANE' INTO MY HOUSE, SHE BETTER BE CUTE, KNOW HOW TO SHOOT, AND HAVE LONG HAIR. CUZ AGAIN, WE CALL JOHN LAW AND YER OFF TO THE HOOSEGOW FOR A LONG TIME!

15. IF YOU BRING AN UNREGISTERED GUN AND SHOOT UP A TOWN OF OURS, WE GOT A MAYOR THAT PROMISES TO BRING "THE WAR" TO YOU AND PROMISE THAT YOU'LL BE IN THE HOOSEGOW FOR AGES TO COME!

16. ALLENWOOD FEDERAL PRISON ISN'T OUR "CLUB FED OF THE HILLS". IT'S THE MEANEST FEDERAL PRISON OF ALL. EVEN THE DEERS WITH 50 POINT SPIKES BEEN DRAFTED TO PATROL THE GROUNDS! STAY AWAY FROM IT!

17. BE NICE TO OUR AMISH COMMUNITY! DON'T MAKE FUN OF THEM. DON'T EVEN BOTHER TAKING THEIR PICTURE. RESPECT THEM. THEY HAVE THE BEST NATURAL FOODS TO BUY FROM!

18. COLLEGE AND HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL IS AS IMPORTANT HERE AS THE EAGLES AND THE STEELERS, AND A DANG SITE MORE FUN TO WATCH.

19. PA JOE IS OUR FRIEND AT PSU! PLEASE RESPECT HIM. WHEN THE LIONS PLAY OHIO, SYRACUSE, OR MICHIGAN (INCLUDING MICHIGAN STATE) AT UNIVERSITY PARK IN STATE COLLEGE, IT'S A PSU HOLIDAY ON SATURDAY! WE HOST THE BEST TAILGATE PARTIES!!

20. YEAH, WE HAVE GOLF COURSES. BUT DON'T HIT THE WATER HAZARDS---IT SPOOKS THE FISH.

21. WHEN YER DRIVING ON THE BACK ROADS AND PASS OUR FIELDS OF ANIMALS, PLEASE RESPECT THEM. COW TIPPING IS ILLEGAL. OUR COWS MAKE THE BEST MILK HERE IN RURAL PA. SAME AS OUR EGGS. IF YOU SCREW WITH OUR ANIMALS, FARMERS ARE KNOWN TO SHOOT FIRST AND ASK QUESTIONS LATER. SO PLEASE, RESPECT THE ANIMALS! JUST LOOK AND DRIVE ON!

22. COLLEGES? WE HAVE THEM ALL OVER THE STATE. WE HAVE STATE UNIVERSITIES, COMMUNITY COLLEGES, AND VO-TECHS. THEY COME OUTTA THERE WITH AN EDUCATION PLUS A LOVE FOR GOD AND COUNTRY, AND THEY STILL WAVE AT EVERYBODY WHEN THEY COME FOR THE HOLIDAYS.

23. WE HAVE A WHOLE TON OF FOLKS IN THE ARMY, NAVY, AIR FORCE, AND MARINES. SO DON'T MESS WITH US. IF YOU DO, YOU WILL GET WHIPPED BY THE BEST OF THE MOUNTAIN PEOPLE!!

24. TURN DOWN THAT BLASTED CAR STEREO! THAT THUMPITY-THUMP CRAP AIN'T MUSIC, ANYWAY. (Unless yer a tone deaf driver, then it's excused) WE DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT ANYMORE THAN WE WANT TO SEE YOUR BOXERS. REFER BACK TO #1.

25. 4 INCHES OF SNOW ISN'T A BLIZZARD-IT'S A FLURRY. DRIVE LIKE YOU GOT SOME COMMON SENSE IN IT, AND DON'T TAKE ALL OUR BREAD, MILK, AND TOILET PAPER FROM THE GROCERY STORES. THIS AIN'T ALASKA, WORST CASE YOU MAY HAVE TO LIVE A WHOLE DAY WITHOUT CROISSANTS. THE PICKUPS WITH SNOW BLADES WILL
HAVE YOU OUT THE NEXT DAY. BE PATIENT AND ENJOY THE BEAUTY!

26. ALL OF THE INTERSTATE ROADS ARE TO BE DRIVEN WITH COMMON SENSE! WE GOT CONSTRUCTIONS GOING ON IN EVERY PLACE! DRIVE CAREFULLY. JOHN LAW BEAR IS ALWAYS HIDING AND WILL POP OUT WHEN YER AT HIS "NASCAR SPEED TICKET ZONE" ALERT! PLEASE DRIVE SANE!

A TRUE PENNSYLVANIAN WILL POST THIS ON HIS WEB PAGE!!!!!!!

1 comment:

Jim said...

You know the rules in PA are hard to follow. I will give you two of them:

1. The mention of religious Holiday for Opening of hunting season on the first Monday after Thanksgiving. - This one gives me bad luck. Our Corsica car radiator burned and needed to be fix. My wife and I was stuck in Breezewood on Sunday after Thanksgiving. On Monday we went to a dealership, they said everyone was out hunting and had only one person working in the Garage for repair. Great, I end up driving the car to Maryland to get the car fix. I wish I was warn about that but was too late. Second. You said about respect Joe at Penn State, I do respect him and his team. But his team better not mess with Ohio State. Sorry, guy. I am a Buckeyes fan.