Are you a Janus?

G'day Everyone.

I looked back on my life recently this past weekend. At the same time, I keep a picture of Janus on my computer screen to remind me about my past young life. Why? It reminds me of the times that I went through to find myself again. So I'm going to share with you about being a Janus.

When I was 20 years old, I was still a young man trying to figure my place in life. Even trying to figure out my own sexual orientation. I wasn't even prepared for how the deaf world is after being the first mainstreamed deaf kid in a hearing school district for most of my young life.

When I came to college, my personal world changed. I went from having hearing friends to having hearing and deaf friends to just having all deaf friends in my life. Even presently, it's still all deaf friends. Nothing like a little culture shock to change your life completely before I even matured for the better.

But the worst part is that a deaf ministry took advantage of a young deaf man, like me, would be considered a kind of a crime that should be prosecuted. A deaf church was more of a deaf CULT church than a normal deaf ministry. That is the way it had acted long ago on the college campus I was on. I was suckered into it and gave 12 years of my life with that deaf ministry. 12 of my best years GONE before i knew it.

It was that moment my sexual orientation became clear (I was bi-sexual then). But I feared that deaf church and what they'd do to me if they knew of what I was. It was in that moment of my class homework that I was reading about the Greek god called Janus. Here's a good description of Janus:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Janus


In other words, a man could adopt two faces, one public and one personal, and still have some type of an enjoyable life he wants. But, what it never warned was how much energy it takes to maintain that separation of public and personal lives from many people. Some people could do it all their life up to the moment they die. Others just can't do that forever.

But for me, my life was never the same from the moment I got involved in that cult ministry. They got into each other's personal lives and choose to wreck people who's lives don't "fit" with their cult ministry life style. I would see backstabbing, betrayal, greed, and emotional guilt among those "church" people. All in the name of their "faith". But 12 years later, it would fall apart finally and everyone drifted away. Lives changed and destroyed. Nothing can ever be gained back from it.

It would be another 9 years later before another pastor would betray me one more time and ruin my chances with a girlfriend again.

After that betrayal, I knew I had enough of what was going on in my life. It was one day I said to myself this: "Janus must die!"
That was to say I had enough of trying to be something of who I am not to be. I was tired of trying to keep people away from my personal life.
So I took back control of my life and of myself. I felt I had ripped off the Janus mask from me and finally breathed the free air as I became the real person of who I am in this life.

Removing the Janus mask let me become who I am to be in this life. I am sad of who I lost and loved very much (girls and guys). I began the process of coming out some of my close friends and associates. I told them that I was more than bi. I was gay. They said that they knew for years, but been supportive of me very much. They had to let me make that decision. They just couldn't force it on me.
It took a while for me to tell my family too. And making it public as well.
It has taken me some time to rebuild some of my life back together as well. Not an easy thing to do once the Janus mask is off. But the revelation of who's my real friends are is better than all the fake friends that were around me. They only liked me because of my Janus mask. I told those fake people: A true friend stands by his friend. But a false one deserves to be punted to the street.

Every church should know that they have gay, lesbian, bi, and straight people in their ministries. But the option of wanting to destroy these people of their personal life, of their own choices, in the name of faith? WRONG! Totally wrong! Criminally wrong! If a church doesn't like having gay, lesbian, and bi people in their ministry, then they should just kindly ask them to leave rather than trying to force them out.

Two pastors once asked me for a list of who was gay/bi/lesbian in their church ministry. I told them: HELL NO! To ask me to betray others would be against your faith and mine! Of course, they were pissed at me for the lack of information and they hoped I'd die in hell. I told them "Same for you buddy! You are more accountable to God for who YOU ARE!" The church is suppose to help, encourage, and guide people. NOT destroy their personal lives.

As I come back to the Janus mask, it reminds me of what I went through before I became the real person that I am now. It's hard to believe I lived with that mask for so long in my life. To be free of it is the next best thing in life now. I do feel better.

However, I have to ask you this question: Are you a Janus? Are you wearing two masks so that people don't see the real person you are? Are you trying to keep people from your personal life?
Here is what I ask of you: Take off that Janus mask! Reveal your true self to everyone! Your life will be much better and stronger. Your true friends will stand by you than your fake friends will. Your family will still love and support you for what you choose to be.

Don't let your Janus mask be ripped off in death. Too many unanswered questions in your death will ruin your whole life about you very much. I know this for a fact because one family is still dealing with the death of their loved one after his true life came out (they never knew he was gay and having a partner). Not an easy thing to see it happen.

So please, take that Janus mask off! Be yourself. You deserve to enjoy your life more than trying to please an organization or someone else. With out the Janus mask, your life is your own choice of control. You deserve to be happy of who you choose to be. You deserve to love who you love. You can't regain back of what you lost with the mask, but you can gain for who you are presently and for the future.


We all have our choices of what we make. We all have our responsibility before God. I hope you take your Janus mask off today.


Best wishes.


Semper FI.