If you are going to be stupid....

G'day Everyone.

A friend of mine relayed me a story that involves the use of a tazer. So he asked me to post it here.
A word of *WARNING*: Prepare to laugh yourself to bits.

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If your going to be Stupid, You better be Tough!
Just try reading my story without laughing till you cry!!!

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for a wife. A guy who purchased
his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra "oomph" for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing happened! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue
arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! (or so I thought it was)

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave oven.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There, I sat in my recliner and my cat, Gracie, is looking on intently (trusting little
soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second and EVIL Laughing) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? I wanted to be sure, right?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and the tazer device in my other hand.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant. I thought that was nothing wrong with that.
Reading more : A two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control. I thought humm, sounds ok but could be medium cooking of your mugger.
Reading more: A three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
I thought "God help the person who meets this tazer at will!"

Reading last warning: Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. I thought, "Or worse yet, facing the electric chair at will!".

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" inch long, less than ¾ inch in circumference and two prongs it looks pretty cute really and (loaded with two
itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond my human description here, but I'll do my best to explain:

I'm sitting there alone in the house, Gracie, my cat, is looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dip shit master!!'. I was reasoning with myself that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt me all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and

*HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL WAS JUST THAT!!!*

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above
the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution:
there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor...

A three second burst would be considered conservative and not hurt anyone?
IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point in my life), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the destroyed landscape that was my living room.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain by some sadistic dentist,
and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
A quick look in the mirror showed me I was someone else already!

Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone.
I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair (what's left of it).
I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward to anyone for their safe return!

P.S. My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift,
and now regularly threatens me with it! I may have to get a lawyer and a restraining order against her and move out of my house.
I wish to God I never gave her that damn tazer! Ye gads! Never again! So men, do yourself a favor... DON"T BUY A TAZER FOR YOUR WIFE! A can of Mace works just more effectively!

If you think self- education is difficult, try being stupid!!!
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Sherlock here. Let me say this.. there are some stupid people out there. Especially on Youtube.com. I remember watching one young kid, on video, take a tazer to himself and **ZZAPPED** himself to bits. It was extremely hard to watch. I keep wondering if that poor kid is ever ok.

So please, please, people. If you are going to test a tazer on yourself, make sure someone is with you. You do not want to be found dead. Better yet, just don't test any tasers on yourself for any reasons. Leave in the hands of the professionals, namely the police department and the military people.

Thanks.

Semper FI!